The Silky Way

Someone please help me. I don’t know what to do. More than ever before, I don’t know what to do. This is the most depressed I’ve ever been and I haven’t been depressed for years. I finally know who I am, what I want, what I want to do and it feels like every single thing is going against that. I feel like I’m living the life everybody else wants me to. I feel trapped, I feel desperate, I feel pathetic. I’m literally losing my mind. Going fucking crazy. I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep properly. I can’t go out in public without feeling dizzy and sick. I keep feeling like all my friends have left me behind. (And maybe they have.) I keep feeling like killing myself. (And maybe I will.) I keep feeling like everything’s crashing down on me. (And maybe it is.) My god, I never thought I’d be one of those people. I never thought I could ever feel this pitiful. And it’s like I tried my hardest to avoid this shit and now I have no control over it whatsoever. I’m starting to hate myself. Fuck I’m way past that now. I feel ugly, I feel like a failure, I feel like a disappointment, like I’m going to turn out to be a horrible parent. I don’t know what state I’ll be in once our child is finally here. I want to be ready. I want to be happy. I want to be strong.

But I can’t.

I’ve been going to counselling with Danielle but it doesn’t seem to be doing me any good. All I get from that is a pat on the shoulder and a kind voice saying “It’s going to be okay.” That isn’t enough, that’s far from enough. What the hell am I supposed to do? There’s only one person I can talk to and she’s the only thing that’s keeping me going at this point. She’s done all she can for me and I can’t ask for anything more. She has nothing left to give. But it’s not enough. I’m trying so hard to keep my sanity. Trying so hard just to keep going, to stay strong and just face the music. But I don’t even want to keep going. I just want to lock myself up in my room and scream myself to death. I keep thinking I’m going to get over this. That I’ll pull myself out of this fucking gutter like I always do but it isn’t happening. I keep falling back in.

Oh, God, help me.